As far as we know, it's an unwritten rule of reviewing that the first paragraph of any review should sum up the author's feelings about a product, thereby making the rest of the article generally irrelevant. Whenever we remember to do it, we've followed that rule to the as far as we know unwritten letter. Well, gaming friends, that era of clarity is about to end. This is the first of our new one-minute mystery reviews. They fall somewhere between the adorable, Boy With Toothache Hummel figurine-like opinions expressed in the short reviews and our epic, rhyming long reviews. In other words, these new reviews are medium sized. On most of the other crummy sites you visit, that'd be gimmick enough, because as far as they're concerned, you're just a cog in a machine that manufactures equipment for branding barcodes on your forehead. They don't care about you, even at Christmas or [Kwanzaa joke].
Our new One Minute Mystery Medium Review reviewing gimmick is this: Unlike every other goddamn site, we're not going to ruin the suspense and tell you right from the very first paragraph how we feel about a game. Instead, we're going to state a few facts, drop a couple of subtle hints, and then only tell you whether or not we like the game at the very end. See if you're clever - and brave! - enough to guess our opinion... Before we even express it!
We received a package from Red Storm last week. Here's a picture I took of its contents with the poor man's digital camera, our scanner:
In case you can't read, it says "Freedom: First Resistance Gold Master". Sometimes crafty PR people send out finished titles in this format so that reviewers can't sell the publisher's shitty games on EBay. Note that I'm not implying that Freedom: First Resistance is shitty, I'm just saying in general. Anyway, Chet was gone, there was some confusion that resulted in me thinking this was actually a pirated beta copy of Freedom Force, and so I installed it more or less by accident. The first thing I noticed was that Freedom: First Resistance is based on a novel by Anne McCaffery. The second thing I noticed was that this means absolutely fucking nothing to me. If you're such a big fan of reading, I have a quick suggestion for you: go read a book. Some research at my local library, or as I know it, the free video store, proves that if you simply choose a book at random, there's about a ninety percent chance it's by Anne McCaffery, so you won't even have to do much deliberate planning to have all your Anne McCaffery story entertainment needs filled for free. Again, this is no reflection on the quality of the game, I'm just sayin'.
Another thing I noticed is that Freedom is one of those games that likes to drag your monitor through fifteen different video modes every time you play it. It's like a stress test for your monitor. Some games do it, some games don't. I don't know why. Now don't infer anything about our final opinion from this next observation, but the seventh time I loaded it, Red Storm's Anne McCaffery's Freedom: First Resistance BLEW UP MY MONITOR. Honest to God, I'm not kidding about this. Freedom began its normal routine of forcing my monitor to sprint through a video mode obstacle course, only this time my beautiful 19" Hansol 900p made a noise like a bomb going off and died. The glass front panel didn't shatter, meaning it was a fully-contained internal explosion - which is the worst kind!
At this point, you might be wondering whether my monitor was about to die anyway. All I can say is that why don't you try using that same logic on the surviving family members of people killed in a plane crash and see how it holds up there. Freedom: First Resistance BLEW UP MY MONITOR. I'll repeat that for Red Storm's lawyers: Freedom + monitor = blowed up monitor. And if you Red Storm people are thinking of suing me, be prepared for the Story of Ricky of courtroom dramas. Your lawyer will be like "Your Honor, blah blah blah habeus corpus blah blah restraint of trade blah bla-ACK!" because at that point I'll be strangling him with his own intestines.
Here's a financial recap of my experience with Freedom: First Resistance:
Get game for free: +50.00
Game is gold master, unsellable on EBay: -50.00
Game BLOWS UP MY MONITOR: -483.74
Total cost of playing Freedom: First Resistance: 483.74
I still haven't revealed whether Freedom is worth your four hundred and eighy three dollars and sevety four cents, but I would like to request that Red Storm not send us any more "free" copies of their games, especially the ones that BLOW UP YOUR MONITOR. Furthermore, I'd like to cordially invite Red Storm, its employees and their families to go fuck themselves, Anne McCaffery's Freedom: First Resistance, and Anne McCaffery. And, before I forget, motherfuck fucking Tom Clancy too. Way to rip people off with your stupid three level Covert Ops expansion pack. Here's a picture from it:
And here's some advice to go with the picture: If you're trying to produce a realistic, hardcore anti-terrorist sim, don't have the company making it name themselves "Magic Lantern Playware". And if that's not possible, don't have the fucking words "Magic Lantern Playware" pop up every time I start the game, because it makes me feel a lot less like a trained killer and a lot more like a fag. On the other hand, Covert Ops didn't explode my monitor, which in retrospect makes it kind of a rousing success for you idiots.
Back to Freedom. Some people have called it a victory for women because the Latino female lead character has small tits and doesn't wear a thong. I'm more of a hairless forearm, tiny itty-bitty foot man myself, but I just don't see how any progress has been made here. This is a picture of Freedom's Angel Sanchez:
Now that's an unattainable body type. Little girls are going to play Freedom and say, "I want to be just like my hero Angel Sanchez, but my ass isn't a perfectly flat trapezoid... AHHH MY MONITOR'S ON FIRE!" I don't even know where Angel Sanchez managed to buy those pants. Maybe the alien invaders brought some technology to clothe her in-hugh-man bee-hind, as alien robots would say. The point is, since Red Storm knew that I was going to have to stare at Sanchez's ass for the entire game, maybe they could have done me a little favor and made it out of two polygons.
Here's another crazy thing about Freedom: the save system.
Here I am quick saving my game in the middle of a level. No problem there. F3 quick loads.
When you die, you see this. If you're like anyone who's ever - ever - played a game before, at this point you hit F3 to reload your last save. Unfortunately, the geniuses at Red Storm were too busy designing games to ever actually play one. Not only - for some fucking reason that someone at Red Storm should explain to me some day - can you not reload here, you have to sit and watch while the camera makes swooping motions around your corpse for six or seven seconds.
Then the game takes ten seconds or so to load the campaign map. Let's see: Journal, Options, Save, Quit, Proceed. Hmmmm... No Load. That's okay, because you can just hit F3 to quick load. Only you can't, since nobody at Red Storm ever thought you might want to reload your last save after you die.
So what you have to do is quit back to the main menu (which takes some more of your precious time), where, perhaps by accident, Red Storm managed to cram in a way to reload a saved game.
This is too blatant to be a bug. That leaves only two explanations: a) with holiday publishing schedules being what they are, none of the busy people at Red Storm ever found time to play Freedom: First Resistance or b) Red Storm couldn't care fucking less about either you or their shitty products. Since Freedom: First Resistance also BLOWS UP YOUR MONITOR, I'm voting for b.
So is Freedom worth almost five hundred dollars? You may be surprised to learn that, in my opinion, no it's not. It's so boring, frustrating, and ugly that when it eventually BLOWS UP YOUR MONITOR you might actually be a little relieved. Until you realize that all your money is gone and Red Storm has ruined Christmas. Seriously, nice job you Scrooge fucks - I have eight dollars left to buy presents for people, some of whom are children. Even Blaze and Blade managed to not make my computer explode.
For those that aren't aware Erik Wolpaw left the video game press to persue greater things. Namely he has become the head story and dialogue writter for Valve. His credits include both Portal games, both of the Left 4 Dead games, all of the Half Life games past Half Life 2, and Psychonauts before joining Valve.
As you can see I simply asking Sora what he was doing and directed him to a hilarious Dragon Age: Awakening dialogue clip. Harmless.
Sora: Roundtable #4 has been posted: http://www.animevice.com/forums/general-discussion/1/avs-roundtable-user-discussion-004-american-influence/325329/#1
Me: So Geo that means you have some free time right? I mean what are you planning on doing tonight?
Sora: I was planning on sleeping... Why? *skeptical*
Me: What do you wear when you sleep?
Sora: Dude get in the cold shower!
Me: This is how I feel [right] now Geo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioTGvOzifkw&feature=player_embedded
Sora: "Ugh" is right!
So yeah so far I haven’t found a single character that I like in this anime. So the episode starts with someone getting fucked by zombies. Because the zombies have to appear to be dangerous at least once in the anime. Otherwise there would be no illusion of danger. Now we are introduced to two new charcters. Pink haired chick and fat fuck comic relief. OH BOY THIS ANIME HAS A COMIC REFIELF CHARACTER JUST WHAT I NEED. OH CLICHED TROPES, WHERE WOULD I EVER BE WITHOUT YOU? Then again evry character functions as comic relief because the dialogue is so cheesy and they are all so anime sterotypical. SO the pink chick is aggressive and the fat fuck is passive. Empowered women are empowered even if they are sexualized. But I doubt Cady Stanton would be supportive of her design. Also there was a mention of techers being useless that I bet will be expoilted further down the line. I bet you an evil teacher character appears in this anime! I BET GOOD MONEY THAT THIS HAPPENS! Why would I say this? Think about who this animes is for and realize that they are not only still in high school but they probably hate it and blame the teachers.
The protagonist feel conflicted about doing the right thing
of bashing the orange haired chicks doomed boyfriend. It's been hours since you did the deed why do you care now and why? YOu didnt hesitate when you bashed the dudes brains in why care now? Because drama. She calls
her dad which agin this is here to create emotional drama and create some sort of sense that there are stakes. It is so fucking clunky. Its kind of like how any Roland Emmerich disaster movie has a father figure that can't properly manage their work life and family life but a miraculous disaster some how magically turns him into a responsible father figure that now understands the importance of his family. This is so fucking dumb. Fuck me for thinking this was a good idea. Also I haven’t been
drinking a chaser by the way so my morning is fucked. My drunkenness is getting
better()Ithink, but my head is throbbing. I’m getting progressively angrier as
a result. My pacitients is also shot.
Now the nurse is stupidly helpless and dumb. At least she is save by the purple haired chick otherwise I would have felt the dmesle in distress trope was being expoilted. I Guess the purple haired chick is supposed to be the empowere woman of the show. Because empowered women need to be phyiscally fit and sexually appealing. Remember she has a vagina. And that is exactly how Erin Brockovich won one of the largest civil lawsuits in the history of the United States. She wielded a sword and enticed the jury with her cooch. God I hate Hollywood's idea about what an "Empowered Woman" is.... Then again other than the ornage haired chick who seems tied to what I assume is the male protagonist the women take more action than the men. The fat fuck doesn’t take action until he picks up a nail gun and realizes that he is a good shot so yeah…most of the men are useless right now. Also I hate fat fuck so much right now I don't think I can convey how much I hate him in words. In fact the cast so far leans towards the women which I would hypothesis is there for a reaons…TITTIES!
Now everyone is killing zombies. The male protagonist is doing it Birdingham Alabama civil rights police style with a fire horse and the fat fuck comic relief is using a makeshift nailgun machine gun. Man…my stomach feel bad right now. The fat fuck grew some balls and now the pink haired chick is reliant on him. Even with the most tender or emotional scenes there are panty shots which sned a conflicting message. Should I feel touched or aroused? Anyways zombies always appear when they need to. I guess that is to be expected.
I find the nurse really annoying she is the clichéd helpless anime woman with big titties and falls when it is conveinet. BUT I bet she’s purposefully doing this. I bet she’s more than meets the eyes. Right now at least the writers had the good idea of countering her incompetence by pairing her with the purple haired chick. You know the most badass character so far? Oh and if you wanted to know why I keep referring to most of the characters by their hiar color it is because I am drunk (I am a lylar, I’m not getting beter!) and haven’t exactly memorized their names. I’m bad with names anyways. Also the pruple haired chick conveniently mad the nurse more sexy. I wonder why?
So the pink haired chick was about to be bit by a zombie but she miraculously noticed there was a mechanical tool (saw?) right next to her that coud kill zombies? I wish life was that easy all of the time. So I'm suppose to feel like everyone is in danger but the writing staff has really stupid shit like this happens that deflates any penchant of risk. Oh hey I'm about to get attack by zombies? I'm going to find a chainsaw hidden in the background. FUCK THIS SHOW UP THE ASS! Anwyas her screech (which was really loud and hurt my throbbing head by the way) conveinetly brings the motley crew together to kick ass and chew bubble gum. Though I think they are all out of bubble gum. Fat fuck gets hit in the face by titties…man, again I wish real life were like that and all the girls get together to tend to each other. GIRL POWER!
People introduce themselves and everyon smiles? You could be
in damger any moment YOU FOOLS! But then again the writers love to magically
make hordes of zombies appear only at the most conveint times! Beware of the
writers! Pink haired chick I’m looking at you1 Now is not the time to have a
mental break down when you could be attacked at any moment! The nurse looks
stoci (again…she’s probably not the dumb ditz she starts off as) and everyone
realizes that even the best of the best can break when they are under the
stress of death. Because drama and vulnerability…again.You know because the only way to convey emotion is to shout or have an emtional breakdown. People are too fucking stupid to pick up gradual and complex character development.
I still like none of the characters. They all seem bland. The fan service is there and somewhat disorienting and there are these weird emotional scenes that conflict with the really hammy nature of the plot. Sometimes the zombie horde is dangerous and other times they just disappear for unkown reason other than to allow for the charcters to do comedic and funny shit. The way that thi is directed is also not good for some that is drunk and in the throw up danger zone. It’s so Eisenstein montage style that it really seems like a blur when I try to stop and think about it. It’s nice to have a long cut or a wide shot to create a snse of place and charcter to create a better snese of continuity. In this I just have this rapid sucession of action, yelling, and fan service that is just incomprehensible to the non-sober mind. However I doubt that the sober mind gets anything out of this series either. Man…I feel terrible.
So yeah guys sorry for watching the final episode of the first season without having watched the first episode or the episodes preceding that. I be drunks! To my defnses Hulu has the episode sin order of upload and not chronolicgialca orders. The intro rock music really isn’t good for you when you are drunk and clearly hung over. Also completely off topic but there this fly…and he has been landing and chilling on my roght eyebrow. He’s just chilling and I yell at him and he is all like whatevs dude. I swat at him and hes back in like two seconds. If I sound angry as I typoes this it becasye of this fly. I want to kill him but hes too fast for me. Another off topic update is that I got bear all over my desk. Serious party foul I know. Now it smells like beer and regret in this roooom.
Anyways the sirst episode starst cold and without effcitevly
introducing anyone or anything. What’s going on? It doesn’t matter there be
zombies and people are hitting them with basball bats that’s all you need to
know. I guess I appreciate this but I really feel like their should be more
exposition. The reason is that I feel like the characters aren’t going to be
built on latter and the first episode prolably would have been the most
appropriate plaace to intro people. Horror movies always have lulls where major
plot points and characters are explained or built upon even if it just means
superficially explaining why the villain is killing everyone. If HOTD was a
true horror anime it would have good exposition on top of bursts of action and
gore. Instead I root for this cast because they are either hot or susvive the
most ridulous circumstances. Wait…the fuck am I talking about? This is clearly
not pure horror or even a horror comedy. It’s something different. In fact due
to my drunken statayus I can’t give this a clear genre. It s juts diffferents.BUT WHO THE FUCK TOLD ME THIS WAS A GOOD BLEND OF HORROR ANIME AND COMEDY! You (whoever you may be) are a filthy lialar! Clearly you think horror movies have superficial charcaters with the story as a secondary element. You sir or madam, whoever you may be. Are an idiot and don't understand horror at all.
Anyways I digress. This anime takes the Left 4 Dead approach
of not really explaining hwy the zombies are here. They are here, they aren’t
queer get use to it! I kind of like that it leaves a lot to the imagination.
Mostly because juging from the story so far anything that requires good
storytelling or tact would have been mangled by this writing staff. The last
thing I want is for this anime to take the Twin Peaks approach of tryin to
explain too much in the most unsatifying way possible. David Lynch should make an anime, just saying. Or ty to get too
technical by getting all biologicular on my ass. I don’t want this to pull an
Indigo Prophecy and everything is due to a supernatural cult end of story. So
Zombies! They look scary! SURVIVE YOU DUMB FUCKS! Now people get their clothes
torn up as if clothes are like paper. Whatevs. This is anime with sex appeal
I’ll accept that.
Anyways I get the exposition I was demanding. But the male portaginist is such an asshole I don’t know If I want to know more about him. So yes he has teen angst because he is a Japanese James Dean with problems and relationship issues. Someone gets turned into a zombie which means this anime takes the infected approach and not the undead zombie approach. I’m disappointed I always have preferred the undead zombies over the infection zombies. This anime also has hyperstylized scenes wher it is just one frame that is all water collered. As some who has worked on animated films this is a cost cutting technique and nota stylistic deciosn to create greater continuity with the setting.
The protaaganist is holding a basball bat. Because that is of course the logical reposne when rumors of damger are being passed around your high school. You know if a teacher or any rational human being saw you running down the halls of s chool…they would fucking arrest you, and for good reason. But this is anime so Always assume the worse an be ready to kill motherfuckers for being mothercukers! That’s what I did hwen I was a teenager! Som zombies have inflitartaed the campuse and of of cuorse everyone is fulent in compabt in some capacity. Anime needs action and if everyone can’t at least provide it in at the least one scne they are going to DIE!
So the organge haired chicks boy friend dies. That is done to create the illusion that everyon is in danger. That a character who is important to someone can die means that anyone is at risk. KILL ‘EM ALL! So there’s gore in this. It is totally not jazzing with my squeamish stomach. Despite this shit is on fire and the world is in chaos. A helicopter also give the animators a reason to show panties that I have already seen. They aren’t special so why show them as if they are diamonds or gold? The big tittied purple haired schicke is introduced and the term “Them” is established. I’m sorry when I here the term Them I think of giant ants By the way my head is throbbing at this point.
SO yes the orange haired chick boy frend is infected. Which
means the portangist is opened to violating her like theres no tomorro or her
now making a part of goddamn stupid asss love triangle. Drama is what drama does. This ain’t no
Reservoir Dogs where Mr. Orange is bleed to death let me just tell you. So he
dies and now I’m led to believe that anyone can get infected. This character is
too convientent. SO I don’t feel like the directors or writer hav actually done
a good job of putting the imprtanat charcters at risk. However there’s still a
lot of anime left so again…whatevs. So the dude goes down to do baddass shit
and the organe girl is being annoying and selfish. She’s too clingy. In fcat I
don’t like any of the character in this anime right now. SO what Im left with
is this think husk of a shallow horror anime with fanservice that does do
anything for me, and finally characters that I don’t like. Why should I care for the characters if so far they all are either a cliched John Hughes sterotype of what a teenager is like or assholes that do badass shit because someone needs to do badass shit. I'm told to care for these characters not based on the merits of their...character but simply because they are the ones that haven't died yet. Well sorry writing staff, I don't give a shit…yeah I think I only
have one more episode in me….
I kind of already know what this anime is about but this
cold start to the beginning is rteally confusing. I mean what is even going on?
Theres all this glowy stuff shooting up in the air and then there are all these
people shouting. I know George Romero was well known for having a motley crew
survive a zombie invasion that he built their character not by delving in their
background but by depicting their character through their actions. That a
person can be best judged through the way the behave in the most dire of circumsions.
However it is really disorienting when the start of any television or movie is
action and lacking any exposition. But disorienting in agood way if done
correctly. Also there’s swearing, gore abd fan service. I read a review that
said this show was a good combination of horror, anime and fans service.,. we
shall see my chiledrens.
I don’t like the quality of the animation. Maybe my vision
is blurry but I think it looks somewhat
cheap and superficial. No…I’m drunks so yes ita si probably due to my blurry
vision. I sometimes arbitrarily call all anime cheap so my opinion is always
suspect anhways. Where IS THEY BBOOBIES I WAS PROMISE THE BOOBS! The zombies
kind of look like crap. Then again zombies always kind of look cheesy. Si there
was this major expolsion that everyone who I don’t know is all excited about.
Again everyone is yelling and I would like to ask why. The dialogue is cheesy
but I don’t know if it is purposfufl. As such it seems weird to criticism it.
Also the metal intro really hurt my ears but that may be my hangover talking,.
Why DO THE TITTIES LOOK LIKE BAGS OF SAND!!!!! Maybe I
should start off by saying that I have never really have found the character
design for anime women sexually appealing so maybe an half of this anime means
nothing to me. Anime needs some good and realistic titties. This shit looks
fucking gross. But I’m not racist. I don’t think that you the user who may find
these ladyies sexy “fuckinggross.” I just think you are heathens that are going
to go to hell for forsking Jesus. If I saw a woman with these titties I would
say “NO THANK YOU I WOULD LIKE A REFUNd!” Anways our ensamble cast is stragzing
and figuring out how to survive the zombies hwic actually are fully expoilted
in this anime. Story? Well I get that there’s the handsome lancer, the cast of
chicks that fight for his dick, and the fat comic refilef. Other than that this
is any given anime but with zombies.
Anyays the cast finally relizes dramatic shit is happening. Wow guys using the red dot sight iof a gun to realize the giant burst of energy was an EMP? Actuallly I’ll accept that. That’s kind of smart but also kind of Call of Duty. Anyways I still feel like the zombies are underutilized in this anime. For Japanese people these kids sure do know a lot about nuclear explosions… yup I just went there. They seem like a barrier to the progagonist from accomplishing their desire to find a safe spot versus being an actual threat. They are more of a nusacnce than anything,and as a fan of zombies I’m not a fan of this. Also the fat fuck comic reflief is a good shot. I would call that convenient story telling. Anyways everyone has to do something badass at least once in anime right? No one important is actually vulnerable to being hurt. This uins any illusion of danger in the anime. As someone who is still somewhat new to anime the gesticulation of the character is still unusual to me.
So now everyone is in danger exceopt the characters that I’m
suppose to care about. Again the illusion of danger is ruined in this anime. As
a somewhat expert in zombies I also object something about the philosophy of
this anime. You should always aim for the head. This anime says it is a good
idea to anime for the torso. This anime has told you a falsehood. This is the
worse anime ever made as a result. Now the purple ahired chick is slashing shit
because not only is she sex appeal but she is a badass. OF COURSE! Everthing is
on fire and people are dying everywhere…I’m confused.
The drama isn’t good in this parents and important
characters are at risk of dying but it feel so artificial. Of course someone
has to make a sacrifice in order fo one of the characters to survive. That;s an
old trick for writers. Another thing I want to ask is why does this anime get
technical every now an again? Why doe sit find the need to act as a enginerring
101 book and explain to me what the characters are going to do with random
scraps of metal? Also I saw a panty shot which was followed up by another panty
shot…AWESOME! Then again anime pysics and logic. Of course a humvee can skip on
one wheel forever! SCIENCE!
So someone makes a final and glorius last stand to creat
drama. Great. Also the male lead is so fucking selfish in his journey to save
his parent I don’t understand why everyone else want to follow him in his
journey. What is is everyone’s motivation in following the protagonist? Why
would you put yourself at risk to find someones parent when the real logical
thing would be to find a defensible position and hold until real help
arrives? The end of the credits scene is
very John Romero.
I don’t know how to feel about this. I feel like something is missing and yet not really. I’m supposed to accept that this motley crew of random charcters is working together to survive the most extreme of circumstance. But also it feels very generic. Take away the fan service or the zombies for that matter and do you still have interesting characters? Not really so I gues you can call me not a fan of what this anime is. Also the people move so fast…which is not good for me right now….oh god yes please slow thinsg down for me.