Everybody knows that the most romantic time of the years is fast approaching. No doubt Sho is going to grow a pair and give Rain some chocolates, (and possibly make some babies) and we all know that Newdeath and Sonata are going to put aside their quarrels to spend one romantic evening together. But there are also those who will be lonely this Valentines, so here is my guide to help you get a date.
This Valentines, I'll be pimping
For all you loners, Valentines can be hard. And it is because you are exactly as I said before, very lonely. Which is why this Valentines you need to hatch out of your little shells and explore the vast ocean of romance. Swim and find Nemo in your hearts. Of course, I can hear you know thinking "Caius! It's not that easy!!"
It's not easy for you because you're too picky. Or ugly. Or both. I'm never alone on Valentines day because: One, I'm gorgeous and you all know it. Two, I'm not picky. Sure it helps I can bend people to my will, but that isn't the point. I don't care if your a man or a woman, or something else, as long as it moves, it's all good to go. If Maximus keeps his eyes set on females, he's never going to find a suitable mate, and will never be able to have biologically impossible pups. Personally I plan to drug up The Count and spend a romantic evening with him, although he might not remember much. You have to widen your horizons, and think out side the tiny box in which you're brains sit comfortably. Sure some of the options out there aren't entirely legal, but that has never stopped me. Valentines is a day for men to grow a pair, and for women to wear short dresses for people like Haseo and I to peak under.
During Valentines day, one must be upfront and direct. I may approach Query this Valentines day with an offer for him and I to have adopted babies together. This may or may not work, but I will definitely leave an impression. A few days after Valentines day, we all know Query will come crawling back to me begging for us to adopt a cute Chinese girl. If Hades ever wants to get in Mesa's pants, he's going to have to jump in them himself. Obviously Mesa's not picking up on the signals. And don't worry, if it's not consensual, it's still legal. I know. Trust me.
Finally, everybody loves cute things. A poem is always nice, but try and keep them less on the 'breaking bad news' side of things. Nobody likes to hear this poem on Valentines day: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I gave you syphilis , When I screwed you.
Yeah, that one doesn't go down well. Keep things sutble, yet to the point when writing a card to your Valentine. Something like "Get in my pants!"
on a heart shaped doyley worked surprisingly well last year, and I highly recommend it to anyone who's that desperate. This time I'm going for something more cute, as I'm not sure Keith would be too comfortable with the card previously explained. Keith can expect this to wind up in his mailbox this 14th:
I think he'll like that. Of course on the inside I might add a little note something like the following: "I wanna [CENSORED] all day long until you [CENSORED]"
What do you think my chances of success are? Of course if you're a complete nitwit and possess no writing talent, there's always flowers and chocolates.
Of course, this Valentines day, if you're looking for love, or can't afford a hooker, you know exactly who to call.
Here's a song to get you all into the 'Caius Valentine Mood': (which is also a good song play while you stand out side your love's house with a boom box)
And finally... I wish you all a very... very, 'Happy' Valentines Day!!! <3