DocHaus (Level 18)

It's no use, I'll have to use...THAT!
followed by
107
| |
[Inspired by watching an interesting little anime called Noir, which contained a lot less film noir than I was led to believe]

You've probably seen this in anime and in movies where guns are involved. The big shadowy evil organization of evil has several gunmen (henceforth referred to as "mooks") in its employ, supposedly hired to stand by and intimidate any hero foolish enough to try and pass them. However, the hero is able to defeat them quite easily before rescuing his ally or destroying the monster or boss of the episode. In the interest of giving the evil organization of evil a fighting chance, I've decided to pass along a few helpful tips:

1) Make sure every gun-toting mook you employ can hit a human-sized target from at least 2 meters away with a pistol. If they cannot hit said target, or at best can only perform grazing shots, then DO NOT EFFING HIRE THEM. Not even to justify that small business tax break. If the hero does not care about hiding the bodies, you'll be left explaining the mess not only to the police, but also to your fellow villains who will most certainly laugh at you while you try to justify the overhead.

2) When you hold one woman hostage in order to draw her partner out in the open, and then said partner appears in the open, your mooks should be instructed to take the initiative and shoot them both. Simply pointing their guns in the direction of the hero will not have the desired effect, and may in fact end up provoking the hero to shoot the offending mook or mooks and free the hostage. This is especially embarrassing when there are about 5 or 10 mooks for every hero at the scene, and the only ones who can pull the trigger can't hit a child-sized target 1 meter away.

3) Attempting to subdue the hero with sheer force of will does not work in this kind of show. If any of your mooks believe this is the correct manner to approach the hero, they should either be retrained or simply beheaded. There may be a few exceptions (i.e. Black Cat), but it's a safe bet those exceptions do not apply to your mooks.

4) If the hero is trying to get information from a witness who may point him or her in the right direction, and your designated sniper mook has a clear shot from a hidden spot, instruct him to take the shot, and not to sit around adjusting his aim for long enough that the hero has another clue about your evil organization of evil. In fact, the sniper should be paired up with someone at the same height as the hero, so both the hero and the witness can be killed at the same time. Also, instruct your shooter to aim for the center of mass, not the head, as that tends to get better results (See #1).

4b) For God sakes, if you've got the cash to hire an endless supply of mooks, then you can surely spring for some anti-reflective or anti-glare lenses. If the sniper's scope reflects light, then the hero will see it 9 out of 10 times. Count on it.

5) Equip your mooks with alternative weaponry and instruct them to use it to subdue whatever device or weapon the hero is using as a shield. For example: If the hero is reflecting your bullets with a sword, then give your mooks a weapon that launches acid, eliminating the threat of his sword and making him vulnerable to bullet attacks. If your opponent has a device that can launch an electro-magnetic pulse, then use old-style guns that don't require complex electronics to function. If the mook tries to turn your own weapons against you, then install RFID chips in your weaponry beforehand and render them useless to anyone but those with the right fingerprints. If the hero is still able to defeat your mooks, then either you need to train them correctly (again, see #1) or the writer is dead-set against giving you a fair chance, so kiss your ass goodbye and pray you get reincarnated in a series where the bad guy has a clue of what he should be doing.

6) If the hero does grab one of your mooks and uses his body as a human shield, instruct your other mooks to fire on him or her anyway. After all, they all should have known the risks when they signed up for this job, and chances are the hero has no such qualms about destroying their lives including the life of the human shield once their usefulness has ended.
Mandatory Network

Submissions can take several hours to be approved.

Save ChangesCancel