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Top 3 Wimpiest Guys in Anime

You survived the manliest men in anime - - but are you ready for the wusses!?

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Whats good, Vice-corps! A few weeks ago, we counted down the TOP 5 MANLIEST men in anime. It was rough 'n rugged, celebrating the very finest in thick brows, indomitable spirit and hot manly tears. Well, this week, we’re exploring the inverse of those titans - - the yin to their yang, the shadow to their light, etc. == TEASER ==

NUMBER THREE = = Keiichi Morisato (OH MY GODDESS!)

Cool pink phone, dude.
Cool pink phone, dude.

This lonely little turd can’t find anyone who can stand to be around him for more than a few minutes, so he has to make a deal with a goddess that forces her to stay with him forever. That’s one magical step away from keeping her tied up in his basement. This is a truly desperate and pathetic man.

When he bumbles his way into calling a Goddess helpline (by accident), he is afforded a once-in-a-life time chance to have a single wish granted by a generous Goddess named Belldandy. Of course, this little weasel immediately ropes this poor woman (?) into an eternity of companionship and quiet servitude. She's forced to abandon her job as a free and powerful force of nature to pursue a boring and uneventful life with some lonely sack who can’t think of anything but his own problems. Ho-hum.

Apparently, a peck on the cheek is Keiichi's worst nightmare come true.
Apparently, a peck on the cheek is Keiichi's worst nightmare come true.

Despite Belldandy’s contractual obligation to like Keiichi (creepy), he remains an awkward, nervous little weenie around her and all other women (in traditional harem show fashion) forever. I get that talking to girls is tough - - especially for a career pushover like Keiichi - - but my sympathy can only be stretched so far.

NUMBER TWO = = Edward Elric (FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST)

Great, here come the waterworks...
Great, here come the waterworks...

I get that this little guy has been through a lot (mostly his fault), but what a whiny sad-sack! It’s a bummer that your mom’s dead and your brother is trapped in a bucket or whatever - - but get over yourself! Everyone’s got it tough and absolutely no one wants to hear you cry about how short you are.

After all the lost limbs and family members, Edward is still focused on his physical stature. I can’t think of a more obvious or frustrating Napoleon complex in all of anime. Edward is a generally prideful and self-absorbed little princess, but his absolutely outrageous insecurity about his size truly takes the cake. Someone needs to buy this guy some Johnson and Johnson’s because I’m tired of all this baby’s tears.

You promised me, Johnson! You promised me!
You promised me, Johnson! You promised me!

Also, after 63 smooch free episodes, Edward marries his childhood friend (practically his sister). In other words, this guy had one girlfriend ever and it’s the one that lives closest to his house. Way to go with the laziest choice, bud.

NUMBER ONE = = Shinji Ikari (NEON GENESIS EVANGELION)

Big surprise.
Big surprise.

Ugh. This was inevitable. Shinji defined a new era of reluctant anti-heroes (for better or worse). Shinji, I understand that your dad is a huge prick (possibly the biggest in human history), but MAN THE HELL UP. The world is literally ending and you’re too busy crying into your pillow and staring at the ceiling to do anything about it.

Giant robots with mouths and muscular systems are freaky enough without the added mommy issues that come packaged with the Eva units, but when everything you’ve ever known and loved (or tolerated) is counting on you to climb inside and flip out on some angel/monsters then it might be time put aside the teenage angst for a few minutes and start tearing AT fields.

When this little runt finally does take up the controls, he’s really only doing it to impress his dirtbag father or more specifically because he was told to. This is a boy who played the cello since he was 5 because no one told him to stop. Shinji isn’t just a scaredy-wuss, he’s aimless and desperately needy, as well.

OH GOD i think my walkman is out of batteries!!!
OH GOD i think my walkman is out of batteries!!!

Anti-heroes tend to be more interesting, more human and relatable than a flawless paragon of human excellence. Shinji takes this to some as yet unexplored next level of anti-everything, however. His is a reluctance so profound as to stupefy.

"High school is hard, so I guess I'll let the world end."

This guy has the perfect combination of frustrating character traits, unfortunate anxieties, and selfish fears to propel him to the number one spot on our list. The good news is that maybe Commander Ikari will finally notice him now!

Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo

Today’s anime is rife with wusses, so I’m sure I’ve managed to overlook at least one of your favorite/most hated chumps. Go ahead, let me know which DRAGONBALL character is the weakest (I know that’s all you guys care about) in the comments section below.

Alex Eckman-Lawn is an illustrator and comic artists from Philadelphia. Check out his site - -alexeckmanlawn.com - - rumble with his Tumblr - -dudenukem.tumblr.com - - and hit up his Twitter: @alexeckmanlawn

Turambaron April 8, 2013 at 4:18 p.m.

April fools or not, my comment still stands when it comes to the usual criticisms of male leads in anime.

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