I need some advice...

Topic started by TheStarman on July 19, 2012. Last post by SilverGalford 2 years, 3 months ago.
Post by TheStarman (4 posts) Level

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  • Don't give up, give things a little more time.
  • Give up and move on with your life.
  • tl;dr
Post by TheStarman (4 posts) See mini bio Level 5

Yes, this really is my first post. I've been lurking here for a while now and had an intention of joining at some point, but just haven't gotten around to it. Well I seem to have found myself in a bit of a predicament as of late, so after getting some conflicting advice from my friends, I decided to ask this question anonymously on a few of the forums that I have been lurking at, perhaps I can receive a more objective response from people who don't know me or the girl I am referring to. I must warn you though, this is a bit of a long read, so I do apologize in advance for the length. Normally I would never go to the internet for advice, let alone dating advice, but I figured 'what the hell, I'll give it a shot,' so here goes.

To start off I'm 20 years old (and so is the girl I like) and I've had very little real experience with relationships. I did date a girl for about six months my junior year of high school, but I don't even consider that a real relationship, since I was an entirely different person back then and I didn't even really feel anything towards her. I'm very selective when it comes to relationships, both in terms of physical appearances and in terms of various personality traits and her intelligence level (which must be high). Some say that I'm "too picky," and perhaps they are right, since I've only really found two women to be truly attractive in the past few years (if not in my entire life).

In early April 2012 I got a new job at a Walmart store that at the time wasn't open yet. I helped set the store up, doing tasks such as unloading freight and stocking shelves. Well I eventually became friends with one of my co-workers, who we shall now refer to as Chris (not his real name). Well one day in early May, just a few days before the store was set to open, Chris introduced me to his best friend, a beautiful young woman who we shall now refer to as Claire (not her real name). I was almost immediately taken in by her beauty, and was extremely nervous, to the point where I hardly said two words the entire time the three of us sat and had lunch for about an hour.

Unfortunately I hadn't seen Claire since that day until about a week and a half later, and she said "hi" to me (and I said "hi" back) as we ran into each other at work. This happened a handful of times over the next few weeks. Eventually I told Chris that I had a crush on her, Chris and I hung out all the time at work at that point and were quickly becoming friends; he told me that I should probably just move on, because apparently Claire "just doesn't do relationships." I asked him what he meant by this, and he told me that he's been her best friend since 6th grade and she's never been in a relationship and has shot down every guy who has ever tried asking her out or made "moves" on her. She is also like me in the sense that she wants to wait until she meets the right person and fall in love with him (or in my case, her) before having sex. However, unlike me, she is a fairly hardcore Christian, whereas I am an agnostic atheist. When I say "hardcore Christian," I do not mean that she is a Christian fundamentalist or homophobic or anything like that, but she does take her faith seriously.

I listened to what Chris had to say, but I was not dissuaded in the least. I ran into Claire a few times in the break room since then, and we talked, we got to know each other somewhat. We have a lot in common, we're both pretty big geeks and we love Japanese culture, anime, reading, guns, video games, etc. We both have similar political views, as we are both conservatives, and we spoke about politics a few times, and we shared our disgust with how Obama and the Democrats are taking us down the same road as the socialists in the European Union. She even recommended me a book, which I haven't gotten around to checking out yet because ano

Well one day one of my co-workers, who shall now refer to as Leon (not his real name), was talking about the girls that he likes; he then proceeded to ask me if I "have the hots for" anyone at the moment. To which I responded by telling him about Claire, and I mentioned that she was really quiet all of the time. Leon then started talking about how "oh I could carry a conversation with her easily," since apparently he is a "stud" (right...), so I bet him $10 that he couldn't. A few hours later Leon approached me and said "I talked to her, she likes books" then he asked for the $10. I'm a fair and honest man, so I gave him the $10. I later learned that his "conversation" with her consisted of him sitting next to her for about 15 minutes and trying to talk to her while she was reading a book on break, and barely responded to him at all.

Leon, being the only 16 year old who works at our Walmart, then proceeded to brag to everyone about how he "won $10" by making a bet with me about talking to Claire. I needed to get on damage control quickly, for this rumor was spreading quickly. Leon and I were on break and so we went to find Claire, I was hoping that I could talk to her before she found out via a third party. When we found her, I asked her if she heard anything about a bet that Leon and I had had or anything like that, and said she did hear about a bet; she however did not hear that I liked her, so we didn't mention that. I swear she had the most puzzled look on her face, she probably thought we were making fun of her because she hardly ever talks and because she probably thought we're just two stupid football jocks who are picking on her. I said I was so sorry, and I meant every word of it, I didn't explain why we made the bet though. She was visible confused and embarrassed, so Leon and I left; I swear I felt like such an idiot, and I did make a stupid mistake, I don't know what I was thinking when I made that bet.

About two hours later, I was getting ready to go home and so I went in the break room and... OH MY GOD! She was there, sitting down at a table by herself. I sat next to her and I told her the truth, the whole truth. Perhaps I was a little to honest, since I didn't leave out things that a more savvy individual probably would have kept to himself. I told her about how ever since I laid eyes on her that I thought she was beautiful and how I've had a crush on her for the past month. I swear, her whole face just lit up when I said that, and she had a look on her face that read of surprise. I also explained that I was stupid for making the bet with Leon, and that I was sorry. I told her that I shouldn't have ever made that stupid bet with him, to which she responded "in the future you probably shouldn't do that." Things were great, I left her alone for a while and finished getting ready to go home after a nine hour shift of pushing carts in the summer heat. I really thought things were going to work out, we had a great heart-to-heart and I felt like I really turned things around.

And that lasted for about five minutes until I walked out of the door and ran into Leon. I told him about how I think things are going to work out between Claire and me after all and that I was so happy. About thirty seconds later Claire walked out the same door I did and ran into Leon and me. What happened next can only be described as the most anti-climatic event that has ever happened in my entire life. Leon walked in front of her and stopped her from going any further, he then started talking about me, telling her how I'm "such a great guy" and he literally begged her to go out with me. At that point I pretty much just turned to jelly and just slid down the wall I was leaning against on to the floor in a heap, thinking to myself "OH FU-------------." As Leon was begging her to go out with me, I was begging Leon to "stop" and to "leave her alone," but he wouldn't listen to my pleas. He literally asked her to go on a date with me about 30 times, and she said "let's try being friends first and see where that goes." But that wasn't the end of it, Leon then asked her to give me her number, and when she refused, he then asked for her to add me on Facebook (and add him too). After he asked her about five times, she finally wrote down her full name and gave him the paper, saying "fine, you can look me up, now I need to get back to work, so please step aside." He finally stepped aside and let her leave, during this time I was still sitting on the floor, my back to the wall, thinking "what the hell just happened?" I then had a few words with Leon, telling him that he shouldn't have done that and that she'll probably never talk to me again (even though I had nothing to do with Leon doing this, and even tried to stop him). Leon, seeing nothing wrong in what he had just did, replied with "dude I got you her Facebook, you should be thanking me, I got you the girl!" I just walked away at that point, words could not describe how I felt and I was still trying to process and collate everything that had just happened.

From that point on Claire thought I was a creep, despite me having nothing to do with Leon's crazed outburst. A few days after the incident, I approached Claire and tried to apologize, I felt so bad about what had happened; I told her that I had nothing to do with the way Leon was behaving, but I don't think she believed me. I have no doubt that in Leon's mind, he honestly thought he was helping and he had his heart in the right place; it took a couple of weeks, but I eventually forgave Leon. A few weeks after the incident, Chris, knowing that I was innocent in this, talked to Claire and he told me that Claire told him that she wants to give me a second chance and be friends, but that I should give her a little time. So that's what I did, I didn't even talk to her for about a month, then one day I tried asking her how she's been and I felt like she was just ignoring me, though there is a possibility that she just didn't hear me, since I was a few meters away at the time and we were both in the middle of doing our own separate tasks.

About a month after the day that Leon had his outburst, Leon had suggested that each of us cartpushers should write an autobiography about our lives and jobs here at Walmart, and we could publish it in a book. Needless to say, I was skeptical, but I went along with it since everyone else was and I thought it might help me better understand myself. So I wrote about everything that happened, for the first month that I worked for Walmart, including the day that I met Claire. I didn't say anything too weird or creepy, just that I had a crush on her and that I was extremely nervous around her. After that point, I decided to turn it into a zombie apocalypse story, and it was quite good. There were no other references to Claire in it at all, aside from one small paragraph where her and Chris worked together to survive the initial zombie outbreak and fought alongside Leon and myself.

In fact, there were no references to any romance between any of the characters. I eventually showed Chris and Leon it and they thought it was great, so I shared it around to a couple other people, and those people told their friends about it, and their friends told their friends about it, and their friends told their friends about it; so on and so forth. Well by the time Claire finally heard about it, the real story was completely distorted and apparently she thought that it was a romance story involving me and her. It's like that game "telephone," where the original message is passed on so many times that it loses parts of the truth each time it is passed down.

Chris, having read the actual story, talked to Claire about it and told her that there was nothing even close to that. He told her that the only reason her name (as well as the names of several other Walmart employees) was mention in it, was because it was supposed to be a story of what would happen if a zombie outbreak occurred while we were all working at Walmart. I didn't actually hear what Chris and Claire talked about, since I was in the next room; but when Chris came out he said that I should just "move on and forget about Claire." Chris is the closest person I have to a best friend, so I took his advice and tried moving on. I haven't spoken to Claire in about a month, but we still run into each other all of the time at work and I still really like her.

Well two days ago I was talking to a co-worker, a young woman in her mid-twenties who I cashier with frequently. One topic led to another and I mentioned Claire. She knew that I had a crush on her forever, and she was wondering why Claire didn't like me. Apparently I'm "cute" and a "great guy," or so my co-worker told me, and so I explained everything that had happened, and she said that I shouldn't give up so easily, and that I should keep pursuing her. I remained skeptical, but I said I would think about what she told me, and what she was saying made a lot of sense, but I still needed time to think about it.

Yesterday Leon and I were trying to find one of the head-honcho managers for about 20 minutes, so we asked our supervisor if she could ask for him over the radio, and she said she didn't have a radio at the time and that we should try asking Claire, because she has a radio on her. Well we walked over to Claire and I talked to her for the first time in like five weeks, and things weren't so awkward or bad, she helped us out and was very friendly. I am beginning to think that perhaps my co-worker was right in saying that I shouldn't just give up, and Claire seems to have forgiven me? All I want is another chance, even if just to be friends; I've learned from my mistakes and I feel confident that I can can turn things around. What do you guys think I should do?

Post by DBZ_universe (15,755 posts) See mini bio Level 17

To long sorry... Well I'll finish it later... I was half way (cause I need to go)... but I'll read it later fully and possibly give an advice to you.. I guess..

Post by DBZ_universe (15,755 posts) See mini bio Level 17

@TheStarman: Well I read the whole thing like I said.. and yeah, if you think it's the right thing to do, then don't give up... also ignoring her and not talking to her for a long time is bad.. because you wanna be there for her and listen to what she has to say.... ignoring, making bets or not talking to her for five weeks is bad like I said cause that's one of the worst things someone can do to someone they like or care about. so sorry for this... I think that was stupid and idiotic, but make it up to her... and show her that you care and want to be there for her... but don't just go straight up the bat and tell her "I have a crush on you" because that would be a bad move (in my opinion), talk to her and be nice or just be your self... also don't be telling people that you like her (especially GUYS only to her friends that are trust worthy or a true best friend of yours) because they would spread the rumors around quickly and embarrassed you and especially her and she might again think of you as a creep that hasn't changed. So like I said talk to her, become friends again and also invite her to places or take her to eat in places she might like.. that will also increase your chances... I really don't know if this is an advice am giving, and I'm not sure if it would help if it does than that's awesome!! So yeah that's what I think. :)

Post by PenguinDust (1,008 posts) See mini bio Level 13

Wow, that's quite a tale. Well written, too. I'm sure your zombie story is an enjoyable read.

I guess I'd reiterate what DBZ said. The potential is still there, but there's a level of distrust between you two, so you're going to have to take is slow. Look for opportunities to talk with her in brief, but don't force them. Also, not talking to her at all for long periods of time is bad. At least, say "good morning, Claire" each day. You'd be surprised how effective that can be. Expand it to "how was your weekend" and you've got a polite conversation going.

Finally, and I don't mean this to sound cruel, but do not share any aspect this with "Leon". He's a kid and understandably seems to have little sense of long term consequence. He may be trying to help you out, but...the road to hell is paved with good intentions, as they say.

Post by TheStarman (4 posts) See mini bio Level 5

Thank you everyone for the advice, however I think I'm just going to move on and not talk to Claire anymore. Perhaps in the distant future her and I will be friends, but for now I'm just going to get on with my life. I can proudly say though, that I have learned a lot from this experience.

Post by Kurohige (3,743 posts) See mini bio Level 19

Hey, you love life is kinda similar to mine! Man, so similar it's kinda scary. Don't give up since there is still potential but you gotta take it slow, my man. The Leon guy seems like one of the friends I have and I wouldn't be too keen on telling him stuff like that anymore, also the guy is only 16-17 years old, he is still a kid and you are an adult so you can be firm in letting him know that he should not do those kinds of things, this whole situation seems kinda high school come to think of it. At any rate, my advice to you would be to keep talking to her, and hit her up on Facebook sometime, make her feel comfortable around you, also, try to keep third party info to a minimal, girls like when the guys talk to them themselves rather than through a friend. If you feel there is a problem talk it out like adults, and you don't have to be too apologetic all the time, just say sorry and try to hang out or something, like with Chris and get into the conversation. You already know the kind of things she likes so try going off that. But the last thing you wanna do is make her think you are creepy and feel uncomfortable around you. I will say that you seem like a 'Great' and sincere guy, and a noble person. You are still young so keep trying, if it doesn't work it doesn't work, sad but true. The biggest problems I see are the whole difference in religious views and her seeing you as only a friend, at least from my experiences since our situations are similar.

Post by TheStarman (4 posts) See mini bio Level 5

@Kurohige said:

Hey, you love life is kinda similar to mine! Man, so similar it's kinda scary. Don't give up since there is still potential but you gotta take it slow, my man. The Leon guy seems like one of the friends I have and I wouldn't be too keen on telling him stuff like that anymore, also the guy is only 16-17 years old, he is still a kid and you are an adult so you can be firm in letting him know that he should not do those kinds of things, this whole situation seems kinda high school come to think of it. At any rate, my advice to you would be to keep talking to her, and hit her up on Facebook sometime, make her feel comfortable around you, also, try to keep third party info to a minimal, girls like when the guys talk to them themselves rather than through a friend. If you feel there is a problem talk it out like adults, and you don't have to be too apologetic all the time, just say sorry and try to hang out or something, like with Chris and get into the conversation. You already know the kind of things she likes so try going off that. But the last thing you wanna do is make her think you are creepy and feel uncomfortable around you. I will say that you seem like a 'Great' and sincere guy, and a noble person. You are still young so keep trying, if it doesn't work it doesn't work, sad but true. The biggest problems I see are the whole difference in religious views and her seeing you as only a friend, at least from my experiences since our situations are similar.

Thanks.

Post by YourNeighborhoodComicGeek (82 posts) See mini bio Level 8
Was gonna offer some advice but the previous people have got that covered for you already. Good luck though.
Post by SilverGalford (2,951 posts) See mini bio Level 11

this is what i think , if you two have different purposes in life , that relationship is not going to work out . cause either you change her mind or she changes yours.

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