[Tournament] Vice Character Finishing Move Showdown

Topic started by willyvereb on Feb. 9, 2011. Last post by KeitaKuhn 3 years, 4 months ago.
Post by Haofan123 (3,675 posts) See mini bio Level 13

My character: Roy Mustang 
"You don't look like much of a challenge,"scoffed Aizen as he looked down at Mustang from the sky "We'll see about that." Mustang replied. Aizen moved to attack, but Mustang shot him out of the sky with a powerful fire blast before he was able to even draw his sword,sending the former captain plummeting to the sand dunes below.Mustang continued his assault and snapped his fingers repeatedly,engulfing Aizen and a large portion of the desert in a barrage of firey explosions. Suddenly, a beam of spiritual energy rose into the sky and Aizen stepped out of the flames severely burnt but still alive. Mustang snapped his fingers again, but  the attack whizzed passed Aizens head "You should work on your aim!" said Aizen mockingly,"I wasnt aiming for you!"Mustang repied. Aizen looked behind him and his eyes widened in surprise as he saw that  more than half of the desert had been turned to glass  thanks to the colonels previous firey onslaught. Suddenly, the attack that "missed" exploded on contact with the new landscape, and Mustang smiled victoriously as his opponent was impaled by a thousand shards of molten glass.

Post by willyvereb (5,914 posts) See mini bio Level 17
Four days and no new submission? Well, that's quite disheartening.
Alright roughly one day till the deadline!
To boost the numbers I guess I will post a Finishing Move as well. 

Also I would like to note the judges that we have two submissions to rate. I think grammar and language problems aren't the prime concern. Rank the attacks especially by enjoyment factor or coolness. Perhaps the nice writing style is a good bonus.
Post by willyvereb (5,914 posts) See mini bio Level 17
Alright, boosting the numbers.
Target: Aizen Sousuke
My character: Archer (Fate/stay Night)
Archer stood at the outskirts of Karakura Town, blocking Aizen's path. "Who are you? Your spiritual pressure is unlike a Shinigami or even a Hollow." Asked Aizen. "I am who I am. And you're dead in two minutes." Archer stated cockily. "How pathetic. An inferior creature tries to threaten me. Nevermind, I wished to test this once. Hado #90-Kurohitsugi!" Aizen trapped Archer inside a dark box of energy.
"I am the bone of my sword.
Steel is my body and fire is my blood.
I have created over thousand blades.
Unknown to death,
Nor known to life.
Have withstood pain to create many weapons.
Yet, those hands will never hold anything.
So as I pray, Unlimited Blade Works!"
Cracks appeared all over the texture of Kurohitsugi. "Impossible! My kido warps even spacetime! What's this?". With fireball Archer's Reality marble broke through Kurohitsugi and exchanged reality to barren field of blades. "Do you have enough lives, transcendent god?" Asked confidently. "Don't mock me- " Suddenly a spear pierced Aizen's heart from behind, Gae Bolg. Soon the chains of Enkidu warped around the so-called god. "How? How can an inferior being defeat me, a god?" Dozens of blades pierced Aizen like a pincushion. "You are a nobody, Aizen." He drew Excalibur and sent a massive light to evaporate false god to the last atom.

 Well, it's a little over the limit (circa 220 words) but that's fine, really. Maybe I should extend the limit to 300 words. You can't type in many cool phrases with such constriction.
Also I will notify the judges. We need to rate the submissions fast.
Post by Superevil225 (6,742 posts) See mini bio Level 17
@Haofan123: Nice originality, nice dialogue. Characterization was nothing super duper special, but nice. Unique finishing move, I liked it. :) Good use of Mustang's power, you really used his resourcefulness. Score: 8/10
@Dream: Bad-ass character, well done. The finishing move seemed like it was lacking something. Perhaps something with a bit more panache. I.e. instead of shooting the person straight on, perhaps shooting, missing and the bullet ricochets and goes through his head.  Score: 7/10
@willyvereb: Perhaps having the limit more of a 'reasonable size' rather than number restricted?
Anyway, lovin' the use of Archer, and great use of his powers. Nice finishing move, although Haofan's held a bit more of a 'twist'. If we're docking points for size, 7/10. If we aren't, 8/10.
Post by willyvereb (5,914 posts) See mini bio Level 17
@Superevil225: Well, there's an option to give split points like 4.5, 3.7 , 9.9 and whatever...
Anyways, the "reasonable size" is a bit vague. We need to work on a a bit more certain limit.
Post by OmegaMekix (3,847 posts) See mini bio Level 16
Much better. I'm glad you took what I said last time and learned from it. This was easier to read. One of my concerns with this piece is how you used the term, "ate lead". It seemed out of place here and I had to read it twice to understand it, which takes away from the great pace you've set up. Next, the last part was just too much. I would have been satisfied if Aizen died from the machine gun, it was a fitting ending. The blast was just an overkill and it wasn't as satisfying as hoped. But the pace is excellent, I like how you used machine guns in this since it is creative compared to the normal energy blasts, and I can already see improvement. Truth be told, you score this time will be lower than your last but that is because I'm a little tougher this time. This post was honestly better than your previous one.
 7 out of 10.

That had to be more of the more creative kills on the threads. I will admit, the beginning seemed long and pointless but since it led up to that climatic twist I was glad that I read through all of it. You could work on your dialog a little more though. There were other things you could have used instead of the cliche, "You missed" line. Something like, "You're going to have to do better than that." would have been better. And the beginning was too long. The attack after attack could have been summarized better. But  readers will find the beginning a small price to pay for an exciting ending like that.
7.5 out of 10

Just so you know, since this is your thread and you RPG, I will be harder on you.
This went on so much longer than it could have. Honestly, a finishing move should occur at the end of the battle, when the winner has already proven themselves better. You didn't need to show Archer getting out of Aizen's trap, it was too long and lost my attention. The dialog could use more work. Not every comment made needs to be cocky or arrogant, readers like to see more diversity. Finally, the intro felt forced. Would two experienced warriors really enter battle so rash if they have no clue who, or what, the opponent is? You don't need to describe how they met, you can skip that and go to the ending.
6 out of 10.
Post by willyvereb (5,914 posts) See mini bio Level 17
I don't think they entered rashly. Archer sent him a clean threat and Aizen answered accordingly. Aizen after merging with the Hogoukyo became extremely cocky and he was just fooling around with Archer. As for the quotes I really have no excuse. It could've been a little better with more space but it's true I made it a little dull.
Post by OmegaMekix (3,847 posts) See mini bio Level 16
@willyvereb: I wasn't saying that they jumped in so rashly but you could have made a better transition. They just went at it which is not a good idea, they should have studied each other at first. But with the limited space I don't blame you for the quick intro, I was just trying to make the point that you can start at the end of a battle, not always the beginning of one. 
Post by willyvereb (5,914 posts) See mini bio Level 17
@OmegaMekix: I just like if something has both a begining and an end.
Although maybe I should really skip the beginning. It would seriously save space.
Post by willyvereb (5,914 posts) See mini bio Level 17
Alright time to end this. Regretfully we didn't have many participants this time either.
Anyways, congratulations for Haofan123. He won this round:

I already asked Haofan123 on the next target so...

Round 3, start!

Starting date: Feb 24., 2011.
End Date: Marc 3., 2011.
Target: Blackbeard

The new word limit is 300, just because. You are free to write shorter posts though. Same way we don't get angry if anyone just barely passes this limit.
Good luck everyone! I wish to see many nice finishers!
Post by Kuma_From_Argentina (6,556 posts) See mini bio Level 13
Target Blackbeard 
My Character Berserker Armor Gatsu 
A soft breeze blows in the main street, the infamous pirate Blackbeard, and herald of anarchy and chaos. In front of him Gatsu, wandering swordsman, in a crusade to exterminate the Godhand and their followers, and as Blackbeard haves a behelit, and plans to use it, the Black Swordsman wants to kill him for it. They have been fighting for hours, while the pirate mastery of the gravity granted him the upper hand, but even with his inmense powers the Black armored warrior prowess and skills were more than enough to dodge most of the hits, and the armor soaked the rest. Even so this was the apex of the battle, Blackbeard was wounded, but still able to crush Gatsu with a hand, Zehahahaha! You are good, but my power is supreme, and your time is up. Blackbeard opened a black vortex, releasing a massive barrage of bricks, stones and chipped furniture towards Gatsu, that only grunted and rushed foward into the storm. As the hailstorm of architecture moved foward, the Berserker dodged with animalistic movements, jumping over the obstacles with incredible agility, pole vaulting the objects with his Dragon Slayer, and as he passed throught, the Pirate realized his mistake, shrieked in terror, as the Berseker cutted him in half by the waist, and before the upper body hitted the ground, blowed it to pieces with his cannon. As the armor changed into the normal form, Batsu grabbed the Behelit and left while grinning with bloodlust easily noticeable in his bloodied face.
Post by willyvereb (5,914 posts) See mini bio Level 17
Not bad, although the meaningful part (finisher) is a little brief.
Glad that you taking part in this game too. We need more members.
Post by OmegaMekix (3,847 posts) See mini bio Level 16
It is nice to see a simpler finishing strike. Too many people go way over the top when a simple attack would have been satisfying enough. Now, your main flaws in this is the summarizing and grammar. You kind of listed things out and that bores the reader. Treat this as an RPG, be favorable and captivating in your description. Also, you put way too much in this. You don't really need to explain the whole battle or the motive, it would have been alright if you started with the two of them wounded and down to their last attack. We are only looking for the ending.
4.5 out of 10
Post by willyvereb (5,914 posts) See mini bio Level 17
@OmegaMekix: Nah, more flashier the better. This is the finishing move tournament. It has to be great, not practical.
Anyways, I hope Dream and Haofan won't forget to post here. This thread should use more activity...
Post by OmegaMekix (3,847 posts) See mini bio Level 16
@willyvereb: Personally, I think that it depends on the situation. If the character is a ninja (who isn't from Naruto) then the finishing move should be quick and discrete but if they are a Dragon Ball Z member then it should be really flashing. But I don't think that it is really how they are killed but how it is written. If the person can match the setting with a kill that fits then that is more points to them, maybe the quiet kill is the best one to use in some cases.
Post by willyvereb (5,914 posts) See mini bio Level 17
@OmegaMekix: Of course it must fit the character's style.Silent kills can be cool too but that's no that easy to pull out to be honest.
Post by OmegaMekix (3,847 posts) See mini bio Level 16
@willyvereb: True but what is the point of competitions if not to take a risk?
Post by Kuma_From_Argentina (6,556 posts) See mini bio Level 13
I didnt make mine flashy since Gatsu isnt too Flashy, he goes for the kill
Post by willyvereb (5,914 posts) See mini bio Level 17
@mydeathlyways: Well, first off. This is too long. More like really-really too long.
Secondly, each round has a set target. It's Blackbeard from One Piece this time.
So on one part you made it longer than the maximal limit (300 words) of length and also on the other hand you used wrong character.
Make it Broly vs Blackbeard and of course shorter and we're fine then.
Post by mydeathlyways (2,389 posts) See mini bio Level 10
@willyvereb: Sorry, I'll repost is but more shorter. 
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