Drunk News

Author's Note: The author of this blog does not condone the abuse or use of automotives while under the influence. All alcohol should be drunk in moderation unless you want your liver to hate you. Secondly you may read this and notice I attempt to inject genuine criticism and film theory into this blog. Disregard this as the rantings and ravings of a drunken madman. This blog is meant to be a form form of entertainment. There are spelling errors...many spelling errors as well as grammar mistakes and entire sentences may be unreadable. For this I am truly sorry, but that is my only regret.

Sacred Seven may just be the most stunningly mediocre show I have ever seen my entire life. I don’t know why I did this or why I watched this show. Technically I have already seen this show and thought then it was incredibly mediocre. I guess my theory is that drunkenness can make a mediocre show even better. Lets go and see if this scientific postulate proves to be valid! Also if you were wondering what I got drunk on it was Beck’s this time. I actually quite enjoy Beck’s and find it to be a quality product.

This Was a Poorly Conceived Social Experiment on My Part

Well this show didn’t hesitate to get into some action. I got the Exxon Valdez on fire and a giant clay golem fucking shit up. Yeah why don’t we chalk this series up on the “Cold Intro” board. So Medusa has red eyes and this grey hair guy who has yet to be properly introduced is being Captain Obvious. So Captain Obvious gets poision by purple drank. Hey kid you neeed a purging stone to get rid of that and it costs 4,000 simileaons! Yeah life’s a bitch get use to it. Also an exploding boat causes the power to go out…that makes sense because boats are tied to the central power source of a city (not really). So you go outside to check out what that exploding sound is near where you’re living and suddenly you become the protaganist of a mecha show. Again life’s a bitch aint it? I mean I wish that all of the cra accidents I have seen were half as interesting as that. My life would be ten times more interesting if when watching a taxi cab run into a limo resulted in me gaining undescrubale power. Fuck...think of the bitches you would get if that was like real life.

This Intro Makes My Head Hurt

OH FUCK! FUCK! FUCKERS! FUCKINTON! The colors, the montage editing, the rapidity of the camera movements! This is not good for a drunken brain. Also can I talk about the coloring? Well I will anyways. It looks like a piñata took a fucking diahrea dump on the animation cells. Wait a minute…did one of you put LSD in my beer? I'll find whoever did this to me and replace your baby asprin with heart medication!

Also I hate intros that feature characters that feature characters that don’t actually get introduced until five episodes in. It deprives you of any surprise when a new character is introduced. It’s also lazy. I mean you know when reality television shows that eliminate contestants and the intro still has people that have already been eliminated? It’s confusing and lazy.

Cold Intros are Abused in Anime

Alrighty, I want to talk about cold intros in anime. They really are misused. I want to make a comparison to the movie Michael Clayton. Is it fair to compare Scared Seven to Michael Clayton? NOPE! But I’m still going to do it and my reasoning is show an example of a really good Cold Intro and why this anime is not an example of this and is in fact entirely a cold intro.. Parts of my reasoning hear is that Michael Clayton has what I would call one of the greatest cold intros in cinematic history. The viewer is thrown into the drama without really understanding what is going on. Then a cataclyism happens during what appears to be lull. Then the movie resets at an earlier point of the story to build up how the story got to that point. This is how these types of intros should be done. The problem about just moving forward is that it often leads to heavy exposition at the very start. Meaning a character has to talk for long lengths of time depriving the movie or television show of any actual scenes of action or drama. It bogs the story down and all but guarantees that the first episode is slow and uniteresting because SOMEONE is force to spell things out for the audience. The general mentality is just to tough it out and that the first few episodes are always the slowest and least interesting. In fact this sentiment is extremely prevelant in the anime enthusiast crowd. All I have to say to that is YOU FUCKING FOOLS YOU DESERVE BETTER THEN THAT! Live action television entertainment has already figure great ways of dealing with exposition in a ways that’s doesn’t bore you to tears for the futs episode. Fucking look at the first four oe fivew episodeas of Lost. If It’s just not compelling content you should nt have to put up with it.and right now ima tune out during these parts…especially so when I have been drinking the alcoholic beverages.

Captain Generic is Generic

Did I say that the protaganist is one of the most generic ass protagonists I have seen. Now I know what you are going to say. “But ZombiePie down the road he becomes more interesting!” This correct because I have already seen this shit but normally some sort of arch should be introduce right from the getgo so is that I don’t find the protagonist boring and actually start to wish for his death to make thinsg interesting. Also his lack of nose is freaking me the fuck out. Also everyone is a geologist. Because all the cool kids collect rocks. Yeah…geologists and archeologists are the coolists mothefuckers on the block. Just like Jenny no wait I mean Carmen Sandiego!

This Show is Blunt

This bitch really just went up to Captain Noboy and ask him for special powers…oh wait this show needed a fish out of water segment so is that the loli would have to explain what the fuck is going on for like five or ten minutes. AGAIN this is not how a show should introduce itself. This is FUCKING BORING!Ten Seconds Latter….

Okay I was wrong. Something mariginally exciting is happening. Also Battle Maids and the protanist is Harry Potter meets the Hulk. This looks like it could be cool

Five Seconds Latter....

NOTHING! FUCKING NOTHING HAPPENED! They teased what could have been a potentially awesome action scene where the protagonist learns about the pure destruction he can create if he misues his powers and the loli and the butler just decided to leave and Devil harry Potter just let them! And what happened to the battle maids? Do they have some sort of transport to get them to the home base? Where did they go? WHY AM I ASKING QUESTIONS THAT HAVE NO PERTINACE TO THE MAIN STORY!

FUCK THIS STORY!!!!!!!!

Thank God for a Un-Explained Villain

Quick drunken question. The Medusa Head is turning people into statues and sometimes when they impact the ground they shatter. If you somehow gt returned into human form would you be turned into human form as parts? If you super glued a former human statute would it still come back to life in parts? Man Fuck Blackwater! They sjould have been getting all up in this voodoo magic bullshit in the first place.

The End of the Beginning

Also go call in having the protagonist drive a moped. It’s not like I didn’t already think he was super lame already. Also some much needed…WAIT A MINUTE! Did they just have a stone statue have a sweat drop?

DAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Whatever, all this talk of eating and getting eating is making me hungry. Anways you want plot summary? Shit happens and the protagonist becomes a superhero but he needs trainging or something to control his powers. Now there's this circle jerk feeling of comradeship and working to deal with out angst. Eevn druk I find this show to be incredibly boring.

HELLO EVERYONE HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Well as the title suggests I'm about to do a batch of content for this wonderful site to enjoy. Yes the return of drunk blog is drawing near! Last time I did this my choice of poison was criticized. To avoid such embarrasement I have decided that I up my drinking game. If you want to know I'm actually hanging out with my parents this weekend and am enjoying a nice batch of drinks with them. Possible awkwardness? Not really my parents are fun and when I told them about what I do on this site they thought it was hilarious. Anyhoodles my dad was given this very unusual tequilla that I thought I'd show you. It's in the shape of a mandelin and is black:


IT'S AS BLACK AS MOLASSES! Also I have some Sierra Nevada to round everything out. Instead of slowly introducing alchohol I'm just going full speed ahead drunk from the get go. As you can probably tell I'm slightly tippsy but not completely wasted. Trust me when I say this shall be remedied. 
 
The anime I'm going to watch is The High School of the Dead after a series of unfortunate events. If you want a live feed of my thoughts as I do this experiement check out my twitter account which is GiantBombSquad. Anwyays I'm not going to spoil the blogs and post them on the forums. Hopefully I can convince the staff to post my filth as articles and I'll become the Lester Bangs of anime criticism! I doubt that but who knows. Anyways this is me signing off until latter...much latter if I get a hangover. Oh yeah the booze is stating to hit me now.

Okay, bear with me on this- I AM actually posting this while intoxicated, and yet somehow thinking clearly (or should I say, more clear than when I'm sober). Anyways, y'all probably do some crazy crap when you're drunker than a skunk who got into their own musk, so shout it out loud and be proud about it!

Well Anime Vice it's been a week since I last blogged and I figured that if I was going to blog I might as well go the full mile. So what does that mean? I'm probably going to get plastered! However I'm not just getting plastered and writing a humiliating incomprehensible mess...no instead I'm actually going to make it on topic this time by watching an anime that so far has been widely regarded as bad. That's right I'm watching Rio Rainbow Gate! So what poison will I be drinking to make this insufferable mess enjoyable? I have an appropriate image for this question:

Under the Influence of Two Beers

So this Cruchyroll thing is a big deal right? Well I have never used it until now but I guess most users on this site would call me an intolerant asshole of a troll. Anywhoodles this site looks pretty snazy. Felt like having two beers before I even started this. My roommate is playing Fallout 3 for the first time and I'm telling him how to play that game the right way. So far the only problem I have encountered has been related to my crappy internet connection thanks to Comcast. Anyways I'm going to boot this up now....
 
Commercial...and now it is starting.
 
Bad Jazz music...sound effects that sound like they were pulled from a cheap movie maker...a ferret doing perverted things....PANTIES!...old guy and a little girl...
 
WAIT WAIT WAIT! Are these the actual voices for the characters? Am I really going to have to listen to these voices for over 20 minutes? Oh fuck that! I'm getting me another beer.
 

Under the Influence of Three Beers

Oh for the love of god fuck the pain away! The backgrounds look like crap. They lack any detail and just feel sterile. The casino looks like a giant black cardboard box. Also have I ever mentioned how much I don't like jazz music? This was a bad idea. This is going to be a long night....

  Four Beers Down

So everyone is refering to this chick Rio (I'll assume it's Rio at the moment) as a Goddes. So I'm going to assume that she is either really lucky or has super powers that simply extend to the world of gambling. If she has super powers in the world of gambling that's a shitty super power I just want to say. Also you have reallly got to have a gambling problem if someone who is lucky with the cards impresses you, but I think there are other reasons for people fixating themselves to Rio. I should mention that I'm feeling it now. I'm a small guy so beer goes through me like tea. I would like to remind that I hvae barely reached the four minute mark. The litttlle one literally said  "SHe's not here I hurt all over' or that's what the tiles say. WHO wrtaes that! WHo in therea righte mind would rates that!
 
I'm now being introduce to grey haired booby lady. She is diaspoint, and is suggested to being the panty shot in the intro of this epidose. I'm on the brink of hitting the mute button by the way. These voice isa bad news. I'm still barely five minutes in. 

I feel numb. My face feels funny. There be women in play boyt bunny our fits. There was just a butt shot because if your are an ass person you are an ass person. Also all these people going besreks over gambling makes me wonder if this is a critque about society. How we are so materialistic that we would welcome someone who can assit in our materialistic teendecies to buy and consume without regulation. If this is true then Rio is one of the greatsets animes ever! 
 
Breast bounce! I say that my theory is incorrect.There are all these people boring out and having a good time. It makes me regret that I have never actually gone to casion.

I don't understand why peole are tjis excited abot gambling. Why? WHat spciety do they live i that they woriship who is effectively a card dealer?
 
Also buannies pieolple:

I don't understand why evryoen likes Rio. WHy is inserting images so hard when I'm drunk? ALso I have hit the mute button their voices are going tyo make me throw up....literally. I'm literally convulsing in laughter as I read the subtitles. This dialoge is really bad, and I'm drunk and still realize this. 
 
I just relaize that this anime is for the lowest common donimantor. Take this scene for example:

So yeah i will  admits that I have enter  the relam of drunkinesse. But is it a testament that I still relaize that thie is bad anime? Boobies will only go so far. And i just reahced the 11;00 minute mark! Also the reveal that Rio has some sort of aura that makes poeple luck suggest she has the the superpowers! But why wouldn;t you fire her if you owned the casion? CAsino ar not in the business of giving away money. They want to take s your money and create the illusion that you can win big bucks at the slots or crad tables. FIRE HER and end my pain!  

Five ia s Magic Numebr!

Also dealers never suggest bets. NEver it is bad businesas. Also I would like to remind people that this right here is bullshit:

Hoping and feeling that t i will win bigs  moneyies never works out for me. This marriage scene when the guy wins bug bucks and then immediatley marriages his girfriend is bullshit. 



 This would never happen in real life. Wait what I just siad makes no snese. This is anime..that's right. 
  
Capturing images is not only the illegals but it is also really hard when I'm drunk. I don't want to watch anymore. Even I realize when the suspension of disbelief is is so forgone that I can't enjoy myeslf. A new characte called the Quenn Killer has been introduced. Why should I care?
 
Oh I care becayse Rio might take her clothes off. THIS IS INTERESTING! Imprtnat information for the th plot of this product1 
 
I don;t understand why she is in a wedding dress now. I feel compelled to say I don't find Rio Attaractive. This dialogue is bad stuff. I'm drunk and relaize this. I feel just as confused as the little girl in ths anime. 
 
I just relize something the little girl is what we would call the "Fish out of wtaer" character. An old trope used by lazy writers to introduce new and confusing concets to the audience. The fact that the writers are using such a cliqued and old trope makes me really resent the writing staff for this anime. This is just freakibnhg lazy wirting. Fuck this animes.This is like a bad anime version of the movie Casino Royal ath this point. I'm drukn and cmpleyely ingoning important info at this point, Just fuck the painaways. 
  
       

I used a header enev though I didn't have a drinnk.

I have no idea what is going on with this card show off. I feell like poker on ESPN would be more dramtic than this. This blonde hair dude is a dick. But I will say that the vagina imagery in this anime has me slightly impress. Take this scene:

That takes some sort of skill to put in your animes. So the poeple involved with this anime aren't compleyly incompetent. 
 
Also maybe this isn;t very classy but I have literally had to take 3 bathroom breaks in less than ten minutes. 
 
CRAZY NUmber STuff and I feel like this is Rain Man!
 
Oh shit! Maybe Rio is like Rayman from Rain Man\\ That would explain why the charecters in this are so socially inept. They are sevants! 
 
"That Bear is a collectors item made in Belgium." Wut you sya? Who in their right mind would write that? ""I'm Glad we learned this customer didn't have the eyes to judge stuffed animls." What the fuck is thsi? 
 
But magically everyone is happy! What is going one someone please expalin this to me! 
 

I finished the first episode an this image wonderfully explains how I feel

I'm not watching the cuking end credits. This was a waste f a genuine hangover, I realize that some people really like boobies. But this is a watse of genuinely good boobies. I already feel bad. Oh yeah I didi in fact have another drink. This means taht the total drink in the cnctruction of this blog is about six. I had a shot of teqilla. I dn't know how many beers that counts for.
 
In conclusion I may be drunk but I realize when anime producers are aiming for my dick. I am a heterosexual male but even I found this to be an intolerable crulety. Don't watch this anime. It is no good. The cahrcters are bad, it has some of the laziest use of old tropes like deus ex machina, it looks terrible, and I coulnd't genuinely name one thing about this anime that I liked other than the intermitten fanserivec. And don't tell me that it gets better down the road. Great telvision programs are consistent in their quality as opposed to inconsistent. You shouldn't use fanserivce and potential as the sole excuse for watching what is clearly slop appealing to the lowest common dinomiator.
 
This is my blog on Rio and I'm about to pass out on my bed.

The internet is a curious but always entertaining world. So far on Anime Vice I have avoided Role Playing and commenting in a battle thread as well as actually posting on the forums about anything anime related. Instead I have made it a habit of posting in the Off-Topic board blogging about some really random stuff. SO how about seeing how the end of the year is nigh I list some of my favorite internet moments!  Astute followers will notice all I have done is list some of my favorite random stuff I have found on the internet that I have already blogged about. Now that I have you in my clutches how about I entertain you with some good old fashioned internet ridiculousness:
 

5. Various Specialized Clothing Will not Stop Getting More Ridiculous

Ever since the smashing success of the Snuggie the "As Seen on TV" companies have been busy at work trying to cook up another follow up to their smash hit. The good news is that their efforts are just as ridiculous and hilarious as the Snuggie was when it first debuted on basic television. Take for example the Pajama Jean which is clearly trying to go for the Snuggie buying community: 
 
Then there's the boob napkin (don't actually Google boob napkin):
Even though I'm a kidder I still have enough decency no to link you to the dreaded "Booty Pop." Oh who am I kidding here it is. 
 

4. AshleyMadison.com is Some Messed Up Stuff

So guess what women of Anime Vice? There's a website you can pay money for to commit adultery! Because yes, women do infact need a website to cheat on their husbands.     
Also when I'm thinking about committing adultery I want to go to a website that plagiarizes School House Rock.  
 

3. Statistics for Giant Bomb and Anime Vice Tell an Interesting Story

I have already blogged on this site about some traffic statistics for Anime Vice and Giant Bomb before. However the information continues to interest me and I'm still amazed by the results. Just checking the Whiskey Media website reveals some interesting results:

GIANT BOMB:  The Giant Bomb audience is loyal, vocal and heavily contributes to the content and experience of the brand.

• 5,332,559 Visits in September 2010
• 5:19 Average Visit Time
• Nearly 20% of the audience visits the site more than 200x per month
  

(Results from Google Analytics)

Some other interesting factoids:

• 63 games: The average number of Xbox games our registered contributors have played and received at least one achievement
• 60% have bought more than 100 console games
• 30% are watching Hulu at least once a week
• Within the last 7 days 69% have been on Xbox live
• 55% watched more than 20 movies last year

(Results from a 3.3.10 Audience Survey and site metrics)

ANIME VICE: Launched in late 2008, Anime Vice has done an amazing job of stirring up its audience to come back over and over again, all while contributing and becoming personally invested in the site. 

• 579,231 Visits in September 2010
• 3:24 Average Visit Time
• 5.27 Average Pages/Visit
  

(Results from Google Analytics)

Some other interesting factoids:

• 51% gets most of their information on anime, manga and other media from reading reviews.
• 50% is spending more time reading manga and watching anime than they were two years ago.
• 62% visit Facebook at least once a week.
• They spend 10+ hours each week on the web and playing video games.
• 33% have seen 20+ movies in the past year.
• 57% of our audience found us through another anime/manga site
• Of all the places to buy content, 58.1% get theirs at large chain book stores such as Borders and Barnes & Noble.
• Roughly 41% of our audience see themselves as extremely influential when it comes to Anime and Video Games.
• 39% of our registered contributors use Xbox Live at least once a week.
• 59% use Facebook at least once a week and 63% visit YouTube 5+ times a week.

Oh yeah and if Google Analytics is to be believed Giant Bomb likes their porn more than you do Anime Vice:

Also who would have guessed that Anime Vice gets more traffic than Screened? Tested has only recently surpassed Anime Vice in number of visits during September of 2010.

2. Conservapedia is Run by CRAZY PEOPLE!

Oh Conservapedia you're the gift that keeps on giving. Sure this site was founded well before 2010 but their antics this year have been doubly notable in comparisons to their usual shenanigans. I mean check this stuff that I have randomly pulled from their website: 


But it's this bad boy: the Conservative Bible Project that really got my attention. For those that are unaware Conservapedia is embarking on a massive effort to publish a "Conservative Bible" that best extols Conservative ideals and rejects historical revisionism and liberal attitudes. Because you know the Bible just isn't true to what we want the word of God to be, so we'll change it to support free market economics and delete those ideas that can be viewed as vaguely "socialist" (in the sense that caring for your fellow man and not being massively greedy is apparently socialist to these people). 
 

1. Oh Hey, I'm a Binge Drinker!

Throughout all of 2010 I made four attempts to get into anime (Code Geass, something Index, Eden of the East, and one more that I forget the title of). Three out of these four attempts (I just didn't like Eden of the East) were sabotaged due to my consumption of alcoholic beverages simultaneously with watching anime. As such in all of these cases I have woken up with a headache and blamed it on the anime...I'm a bad person I know.

But the moment I think when I really did discover the true extent of my relationship with alcohol was when I celebrated my 21st Birthday. That and the drunk blogs I wrote on Anime Vice and Giant Bomb show that I sometimes go to far more than I would like. But to those concerned about my health don't worry, I only do this once every Blue Moon!
 
 
Other memorable moments: 

• Arizona using Flash to educate teenagers about the law. 
• Pokebra proves humanity is DOOMED!
  
• Anime Vice is mad bank (this is apparently worthy of being promoted on the Anime Vice Spotlight)
• The Rent is Too Damn High Party...truly amazing facial hair to be had with that party.
  
• There is such thing as a Cheeseburger Cocktail.
  
• Eating an entire pizza was a bad idea... ( Giant Bomb version)
• Someone from Meg Whitman's failed governor campaign likes K-ON. 
• Prison's are using MEATLOAF to punish bad behaving inmates. 
• Gary Whitta (who is writing the script for the fabled Cowboy Bebop live action movie) is a Classy Motherfucker.
  

As I write this blog I have gitten druen on Irish and Scotch whiskey. Even though I am drunk I have enough common snense to realise this was a miskate. I should be using spell checkert on Mozilla but I am not.This reminds me of the time when  watched Elfne Leid drunk. Funny Story. Also I watched that depresing anime qwith that ribit girl that made the world go boom drunk wuth the Presiednt (I should captialize President) . I will probably rmember nothinhg of this blog. I post this on anime Vice out of fear that if I posted this on Giant Bomb MB would pin this on the Newset Topic and Genral Discussion thread. Now that I think of this I should do that. I'm really drunk....I now understand MattyFTM's blog and concern.aS i type this I do the giddy drunken giddy laugh. 
 

• I really shouldn't be blogging at 2;00 am.
• If Newten or Firefoxx pin this thread I may kill myslef...for realizies guys.
• Maybe no one will read this blog. that would be good
• Hopefully MB or Hamz will Pin my GB version of this thread. O fthe Mods of Anime Vice are reading this Don't embarrses
• What Am I talking about...I already embarrass me.
• I'm drunk
• I laugh as I type the previous statement
  
• I was onbe of the top bloggers on anime Vice last Month...Make it happen Community
• Coonce and ethan...don't read this please.
• If I comment on this thread I will remember nothings.
• I have to pee right now...I tried to use water as a cahser..currently pay ing the price
• I should have used my rommates poweraid as a chaser...
• No really Anime Vice Mods if you promote this thread I will kill you.
• Previous statement is not a challenge mods.
• I alreadyy feel bad.
• Please don't actually comment on this thread
• I love my life despite its errors and flaws.
• I'm totally not going to class.
• WHY DID I DI THIS!!!
• Feeling it...Feeeling the inklings of throwing up
• The liqour store was closed...WHY!!!
• I rgret drinking this much
• I blame my roomates for convincing me to drink as much as I did.
  
• II love my life
• I  am going to attach this blog to appropriate threads
• I feel like it is sleep time.
• Roomates warning me this will only embarass forever..they make sense.
• This blog post. Depilbertae? Yes! Hapinnes is at 100%. No one can beat 100%.
• Almost 3:00, I need to go to bed.
• I must remmeber to rporgam my clock to wake me up by 9:00
• No regrets despite prevous staements
• Firefixx if you showcase this t=n the Starlet I will kill you. tHAT is a threat duder1
• Tiredness has gotten the bestt of me.
• Anime Vice need more attention you guys on thsi site are wonderful. If you want I will post more Japanese based News of the Weird posts.
• I am 25% Japanese...Still not a fan of Anime.
• Mods Pkease lock this...technically this is spam, right?
• Clannad was spoiled ofr me due to making wiki eidts...Whay epople find the ending a coch teas is beyond me. You claerly never paye dthe video game version
• I don;;t like blood due to me being squeamish...I have list for taht.
  

Bedtime. I hope you enjoyed this blog God bless you